Wednesday, May 21, 2014

ok, so i can't -- am not willing to -- ummm, ready to - run away yeat -- so --

the next best thing????   a mini vacation... yup -- right in the middle of the chaos , and brokeness of my Chewies pre surgery - stuff.
i figured , if not now? when?  so now was the perfect time.  my sister is finally -- yes finallllllleeeee, coming back from Denmark, after --- what feels like for-ever --- and she is going to my nephew's place, where not only she and he will be , but TWO of my new babies.. Hayden, and Mason.. niece and nephew (greats) and i may spell their names wrong still.. but oh how i love those babies!   i know just seeing my family -- including my niece (in-law)  but screw the in law shit -- she is just as much a niece as any other -- right.   i just have to see and be with my kin folk !  i am starved for it.  i don't see my blood kin, near enough.  and i am tellin y'all... that really needs to change!  two out of three nephews have babies now -- and the third nephew lives by nephew number one - uuugh -- i just have to arrange something -- the soul fam has schedules that for years i have worked around , and it seems that i felt it necessary to skip some solo opportunities, feeling that it would be wrong to go it alone -- well, i think the fam has grown up enough that they can handle life without me a little more often these days.  and they will just have to.
this trip-- i can't go to florida -- to see the other boys - because it conflicts with Chewies surgery -- i have to be here to take her for that -- otherwise i would have flown from chicago to florida with my sister - and seen the rest of the family there too.  oh and it hurts my heart that i can't .  but the time will come.  then maybe sometime this summer i can make it to arkansas to see them, to make up for this lack of visitation.
but yup.  i be very very 'homesick'.
sometimes when ya grow up, get married and have your new family -- you somehow convince yourself - that you are tied to new obligations, wherein bound to new restrictions.   things have really come to a new light in my mind in the recent weeks.  my perception of how i have been viewing things has really been warped ---  for lack of a better term.
i have let someone -- who will remain unnamed... literally convince me that my thoughts are wrong .. from there - my feelings became wrong... from there -- i lost ... and then feared my thoughts and feelings -- from there?  i lost myself.
well, guess what....  i know who i am... and i have taken my power back. 
i am not laying under someones feet anymore...
if i see a mouse -- don't try to convince me that i am hallucinating.
i saw a fucking mouse.
if i think differently than you -- i have that right ...
don't tell me thaT i am crazy -- or i think weird.
it only means that i am not you.

and one last thing -- if  the time comes that  you see me walk out the door ---  don't ask ME why - ask yourself -- cuz i have told you -

so yeh ---  i'm goin on vacation... this time .

and i'm gonna have fun... for me...
love you

have a happy week in your worlds -
i plan to
yup-- makin plans to be happy -- it's about time for that - right?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Really ?

Hiya folks.
How's life ?  How's life.... Really ?
Cuz for me?  I can say... Just dandy.  My life is just dandy.
That wouldn't be a lie.  I don't get beat on.  And things could really be much worse.
In a lot of ways.
But yep, i will admit... Things could be a lot better too.
How bout for you?
What would you be willing to give up.... For just a little more happiness?
Cuz, for me?   I would give up a lot at this point.  Just to be a little happier.
I would eat less, i would live in a smaller house, i would live in a different state....but maybe not a colder one.   I would live on less money.
Less people.

Does anone wanna run away ?

Cuz i do.

I'll pack light....  Or not at all

Where we goin?


Friday, May 9, 2014

Licking my wounds.

Hi y'all, yup i am still here.  Where else would i be, right?
I'm not as bad as the title of this post might sound... I am however just trying to get through whatever funk this is that i am in.
I have been reading book, and watching movies... Desperately seeking.... Well, maybe the voice of God.
I am in a 'place' that is familiar to me.  But very much more scary than other times.
I feel like i need to..... Well, make some sort of huge change.   That scares me.
I feel very 'stuck'.  Here.  Emotionally, and otherwise.
I find myself... Seemingly waiting.... And i don't know what it is i'm waiting for.
This is not life.
Not a life i am supposed to be living.

So, i pray, i read, i watch.... And i am listening...and uuuggghh...waiting....
For something to ....well....something.

I hope all is well in your worlds.

Friday, May 2, 2014

i can't like it -

hiya folks -

yep -- grass grows, people die, life goes on ... and that is the circle of life.  the more ya have - the more ya lose.  the more ya love, the more ya hurt.

and i can't like it.

this past year, i did new things, i came out of my shell, i got a dog, i made real live local human friends, and i called that getting a life.  guess what?  it didn't take long before it all came crashing down.  surprised?  me? well, yeh.  actually- i was.  i really thought that my life had changed. actually changed for good 'this time.' and it did -- for a while.  i was genuinely happy - for many many months.  that may have been a record for me .. as far as the last several years go.  BUT,  i didn't know that it would once again, fall apart.  yet, it did. 
i have no idea what came first? the chicken, or the egg?  who knows?  my health?  my dogs health?  did i isolate first?  yep-- that word... isolate.  i do it way too often.  it is my nemesis.  and it is never a good thing.  is it winter that begins the cycle?  this long drawn out neverending winter was especially hard.  is it an anniversary of a death that begins it?  october's? decembers? march's? WTF is IT that causes me to crawl into that cold dark abyss within my soul, and remain there, immobile, for weeks, months, eternity?  if only someone could tell me.  if only God would or could send someone  - even that 'still small voice' within -- to tell me ... what it is that causes me to implode -- isolate - and destroy my world -- every single year --- well, then perhaps, i could find a way to NOT do it.  maybe i could find a way out.  maybe i could find a new path to travel, rather than the same damn path that unravels me time and time again.  maybe -- i could get out of the labyrinth -- and mortar a mile tall wall that would never allow entrance again.

my world is small... there are few human friends in it.  even fewer that i speak to - rather than - text, facebook, or somehow by other electronic means communicate with.  one of whom .. died the other day.  yup.  surprised?  yeh. i shouldn't be.  it happens way too often with me.   i don't meet people very often... well, because that is a miraculous feat ya know. especially when one rarely leaves their home.  but i had a friend... a man, who i have known for quite some time.  we had been casino buddies, and hung out a bit.  he was a very positive guy -- with what many would call a bleak future.  he had terminal cancer -- but he never talked about it.  you ask him how he was doing ' any better , i couldn't stand it'. was almost always his reply.  many people didn't even know he was sick.   well, he just spent two + weeks in the hospital... and his funeral is tomorrow.  he died in ICU -- in his short stay in the hospital, the man had over 70 visitors!  i am lucky to have been one of them.  i am lucky to have been his friend.

i am very grateful that i went to visit him while he was still able to smile, and enjoy company.  i am thankful that he remembers me being there.  i am happy to have known him.  he touched my life in a way that i hope he knew when he was here -- i hope he knew i loved him.   i guess he did - because when i saw him, i told him i did.  it is so very important to SAY those words to those we love. cuz ya just never know when you won't have another chance.

to think of this , the whole thing ya know... his life, and his illness, and his death... i can't help but to think of my own life --- i can only hope to love , and be loved , because when ya go -- that is all that goes with you.  love really is eternal.  not possessions, not pain, just love.  who you loved and who loved you. 

i have been 'close to death' several times.  in many ways.  never did i think... oh i wish i could take my car with me.  oh i wish i had money in my pocket.   the times i thought i was gonna die?  the thoughts i was thinking ????   i hoped and prayed that the people i loved would be ok.  that they would be safe and taken care of -- that they would not grieve too long, or hard.  i hoped that they would know in their souls just how deeply i love them.  and never doubt it. 

all ya need is love.


live, love, laugh.         whoever said that was a genius.      

i have lived with empty pockets, i have lived with keys to mansions.   my best times were when i was laughing with the ones i loved.  whether i had much or nothing. 
i just want to laugh again.
darkness has grabbed a hold of me .  and i just want to laugh again, 
to feel loved, know love. 
but i feel emotionally crippled.
and i don't know what to do. -
i love you --
i know that
do you?