Wednesday, May 21, 2014

ok, so i can't -- am not willing to -- ummm, ready to - run away yeat -- so --

the next best thing????   a mini vacation... yup -- right in the middle of the chaos , and brokeness of my Chewies pre surgery - stuff.
i figured , if not now? when?  so now was the perfect time.  my sister is finally -- yes finallllllleeeee, coming back from Denmark, after --- what feels like for-ever --- and she is going to my nephew's place, where not only she and he will be , but TWO of my new babies.. Hayden, and Mason.. niece and nephew (greats) and i may spell their names wrong still.. but oh how i love those babies!   i know just seeing my family -- including my niece (in-law)  but screw the in law shit -- she is just as much a niece as any other -- right.   i just have to see and be with my kin folk !  i am starved for it.  i don't see my blood kin, near enough.  and i am tellin y'all... that really needs to change!  two out of three nephews have babies now -- and the third nephew lives by nephew number one - uuugh -- i just have to arrange something -- the soul fam has schedules that for years i have worked around , and it seems that i felt it necessary to skip some solo opportunities, feeling that it would be wrong to go it alone -- well, i think the fam has grown up enough that they can handle life without me a little more often these days.  and they will just have to.
this trip-- i can't go to florida -- to see the other boys - because it conflicts with Chewies surgery -- i have to be here to take her for that -- otherwise i would have flown from chicago to florida with my sister - and seen the rest of the family there too.  oh and it hurts my heart that i can't .  but the time will come.  then maybe sometime this summer i can make it to arkansas to see them, to make up for this lack of visitation.
but yup.  i be very very 'homesick'.
sometimes when ya grow up, get married and have your new family -- you somehow convince yourself - that you are tied to new obligations, wherein bound to new restrictions.   things have really come to a new light in my mind in the recent weeks.  my perception of how i have been viewing things has really been warped ---  for lack of a better term.
i have let someone -- who will remain unnamed... literally convince me that my thoughts are wrong .. from there - my feelings became wrong... from there -- i lost ... and then feared my thoughts and feelings -- from there?  i lost myself.
well, guess what....  i know who i am... and i have taken my power back. 
i am not laying under someones feet anymore...
if i see a mouse -- don't try to convince me that i am hallucinating.
i saw a fucking mouse.
if i think differently than you -- i have that right ...
don't tell me thaT i am crazy -- or i think weird.
it only means that i am not you.

and one last thing -- if  the time comes that  you see me walk out the door ---  don't ask ME why - ask yourself -- cuz i have told you -

so yeh ---  i'm goin on vacation... this time .

and i'm gonna have fun... for me...
love you

have a happy week in your worlds -
i plan to
yup-- makin plans to be happy -- it's about time for that - right?


  1. It's awesome that you are going to get to see your family!! Yea YOU! Those babies are so adorable, you are going to have a great time!! Is your sis coming back to the states for a visit or is she coming home for good? I'm so happy you are seeing her, too. YOU GO GIRL. Hugs. :D

  2. Awesome about your plans. I think you won't regret it.

  3. Surprise!!! It's me LOL
    I forgot you had a new blog and hopefully I've figured out a way to visit blogs more often. Not saying I'LL blog hahahaha.
    Of course, now Chewie had surgery and all is going to be better!!
    Love you MB!

      sorry it took me so long to see you --- even tho you told me to look for you --- i suck- i know -
      no i don't suck... i am dog nurse, hear me nag.
      chewie is actually doing great this last several days -- and that makes me in turn do better.
      so thanks for checkin in
      and yesssssss sireeeee -- if i blog - you blog :))
      you're lucky, for now -- cuz i i haven't had time to blog -- but i'm close ---

  4. jamie and kristy -- nope i didn't regret a second of my vacation... i loved seeing my family. i really needed that baby love. and seein my kin made me get the soul healing i needed.
    no one should ever go so long without seeing family.
    i really hope i don't go so long again.
    i was so so sad --- but now i have some soul fuel to run on i think for a while.
    i need my friend fuel too tho --
    dn't be strangers yall.
    i love you all
    stick around
    chewie is out of the woods for now-- i will try to be around more now -- for y'all.. she still needs me - but i don't need to hover over her like a vuture these days.
    hugs peeps

  5. I have done so little blog reading in recent weeks, there just hasn't been time. So imagine my amazement to come here and find this wonderful, powerful, Soul Sis taking charge of her life post!!! YES!!! I agree with you that when our families are young our world becomes that world, but as we grow older and the kiddos are on their own, it is good and right to make more time for ourselves to do the things we love in the way we love. When I left my ex I didn't even know what color I liked or what foods I liked anymore... everything was about his choices. Thankfully Papa Bear and I think along very similar lines, so we find ourselves most often in agreement. I love road trips, and I too agree that we need to spend more time with family. I've started doing that through texting with my sisters this year, and it's worked wonders in our relationships. I am still cautious, but I know that it is up to me to make it work. I also reconnected with a few people I went to school with and was surprised that as we have all reached this stage of life we are more alike than different, though our lives took us in many directions. Maybe there is a desire of the spirit to "come home" as we age too. I was SO glad when you went to spend the week with your sister, you needed it terribly and it was the perfect, sane thing to do! You had a big ordeal coming up with Chewie and that helped strengthen you for the job. Always listen to your own head and heart, no matter what anyone else tells you! You are far from being crazy Soul Sis, I love you just the way you are!

    1. Joz ! You almost made me cry ! You couldn't have spoken more perfect words to me for this moment.
      I am SO happy that your life has turned in the direction that it has. It's a true Cinderella story. ( in a sense). No one deserved it more than you. And to be healing the relationships with your sisters is , as you know, more than wonderful. :))
      Coming home as we age... Is a good way to put it. I also think, that we come to a point in life that 'stuff' just gets in the way, and LOVE is all that matters.
      Sure we need some 'stuff' - to make life interesting.... And fun maybe....
      But, it never heals our pain. It's our loved ones who heal us and bring us laughter, comfort, and peace...and HOPE.
      It's Hope that keeps us going.
      Ahhhhh... I just love you soul sis!

  6. Awwww, now you almost made ME cry! :-) There is not a day that I don't think about how my life has changed with Papa Bear, and what it might be like if God hadn't brought us together. You are so right that it is not about the stuff, the more we strive for stuff the less we end up happy I think. Nowdays I'm all about trying to get rid of the stuff, and praying for ways that Papa Bear won't have to work so hard to keep us afloat. My pitiful paychecks aren't much more than arm floaties! :-) But you have it right Soul Sis, LOVE is all that matters, the rest could all fall apart and blow away tomorrow and we'd still have love, so we'd be ok. Love heals us, love gives us hope to go on. I cherish you, and I believe in your, look how far you've come! Now I'm gonna get up and start that stack of dishes, really I am!! OXOX