the next best thing???? a mini vacation... yup -- right in the middle of the chaos , and brokeness of my Chewies pre surgery - stuff.
i figured , if not now? when? so now was the perfect time. my sister is finally -- yes finallllllleeeee, coming back from Denmark, after --- what feels like for-ever --- and she is going to my nephew's place, where not only she and he will be , but TWO of my new babies.. Hayden, and Mason.. niece and nephew (greats) and i may spell their names wrong still.. but oh how i love those babies! i know just seeing my family -- including my niece (in-law) but screw the in law shit -- she is just as much a niece as any other -- right. i just have to see and be with my kin folk ! i am starved for it. i don't see my blood kin, near enough. and i am tellin y'all... that really needs to change! two out of three nephews have babies now -- and the third nephew lives by nephew number one - uuugh -- i just have to arrange something -- the soul fam has schedules that for years i have worked around , and it seems that i felt it necessary to skip some solo opportunities, feeling that it would be wrong to go it alone -- well, i think the fam has grown up enough that they can handle life without me a little more often these days. and they will just have to.
this trip-- i can't go to florida -- to see the other boys - because it conflicts with Chewies surgery -- i have to be here to take her for that -- otherwise i would have flown from chicago to florida with my sister - and seen the rest of the family there too. oh and it hurts my heart that i can't . but the time will come. then maybe sometime this summer i can make it to arkansas to see them, to make up for this lack of visitation.
but yup. i be very very 'homesick'.
sometimes when ya grow up, get married and have your new family -- you somehow convince yourself - that you are tied to new obligations, wherein bound to new restrictions. things have really come to a new light in my mind in the recent weeks. my perception of how i have been viewing things has really been warped --- for lack of a better term.
i have let someone -- who will remain unnamed... literally convince me that my thoughts are wrong .. from there - my feelings became wrong... from there -- i lost ... and then feared my thoughts and feelings -- from there? i lost myself.
well, guess what.... i know who i am... and i have taken my power back.
i am not laying under someones feet anymore...
if i see a mouse -- don't try to convince me that i am hallucinating.
i saw a fucking mouse.
if i think differently than you -- i have that right ...
don't tell me thaT i am crazy -- or i think weird.
it only means that i am not you.
and one last thing -- if the time comes that you see me walk out the door --- don't ask ME why - ask yourself -- cuz i have told you -
so yeh --- i'm goin on vacation... this time .
and i'm gonna have fun... for me...
have a happy week in your worlds -
i plan to
yup-- makin plans to be happy -- it's about time for that - right?