Friday, May 2, 2014

i can't like it -

hiya folks -

yep -- grass grows, people die, life goes on ... and that is the circle of life.  the more ya have - the more ya lose.  the more ya love, the more ya hurt.

and i can't like it.

this past year, i did new things, i came out of my shell, i got a dog, i made real live local human friends, and i called that getting a life.  guess what?  it didn't take long before it all came crashing down.  surprised?  me? well, yeh.  actually- i was.  i really thought that my life had changed. actually changed for good 'this time.' and it did -- for a while.  i was genuinely happy - for many many months.  that may have been a record for me .. as far as the last several years go.  BUT,  i didn't know that it would once again, fall apart.  yet, it did. 
i have no idea what came first? the chicken, or the egg?  who knows?  my health?  my dogs health?  did i isolate first?  yep-- that word... isolate.  i do it way too often.  it is my nemesis.  and it is never a good thing.  is it winter that begins the cycle?  this long drawn out neverending winter was especially hard.  is it an anniversary of a death that begins it?  october's? decembers? march's? WTF is IT that causes me to crawl into that cold dark abyss within my soul, and remain there, immobile, for weeks, months, eternity?  if only someone could tell me.  if only God would or could send someone  - even that 'still small voice' within -- to tell me ... what it is that causes me to implode -- isolate - and destroy my world -- every single year --- well, then perhaps, i could find a way to NOT do it.  maybe i could find a way out.  maybe i could find a new path to travel, rather than the same damn path that unravels me time and time again.  maybe -- i could get out of the labyrinth -- and mortar a mile tall wall that would never allow entrance again.

my world is small... there are few human friends in it.  even fewer that i speak to - rather than - text, facebook, or somehow by other electronic means communicate with.  one of whom .. died the other day.  yup.  surprised?  yeh. i shouldn't be.  it happens way too often with me.   i don't meet people very often... well, because that is a miraculous feat ya know. especially when one rarely leaves their home.  but i had a friend... a man, who i have known for quite some time.  we had been casino buddies, and hung out a bit.  he was a very positive guy -- with what many would call a bleak future.  he had terminal cancer -- but he never talked about it.  you ask him how he was doing ' any better , i couldn't stand it'. was almost always his reply.  many people didn't even know he was sick.   well, he just spent two + weeks in the hospital... and his funeral is tomorrow.  he died in ICU -- in his short stay in the hospital, the man had over 70 visitors!  i am lucky to have been one of them.  i am lucky to have been his friend.

i am very grateful that i went to visit him while he was still able to smile, and enjoy company.  i am thankful that he remembers me being there.  i am happy to have known him.  he touched my life in a way that i hope he knew when he was here -- i hope he knew i loved him.   i guess he did - because when i saw him, i told him i did.  it is so very important to SAY those words to those we love. cuz ya just never know when you won't have another chance.

to think of this , the whole thing ya know... his life, and his illness, and his death... i can't help but to think of my own life --- i can only hope to love , and be loved , because when ya go -- that is all that goes with you.  love really is eternal.  not possessions, not pain, just love.  who you loved and who loved you. 

i have been 'close to death' several times.  in many ways.  never did i think... oh i wish i could take my car with me.  oh i wish i had money in my pocket.   the times i thought i was gonna die?  the thoughts i was thinking ????   i hoped and prayed that the people i loved would be ok.  that they would be safe and taken care of -- that they would not grieve too long, or hard.  i hoped that they would know in their souls just how deeply i love them.  and never doubt it. 

all ya need is love.


live, love, laugh.         whoever said that was a genius.      

i have lived with empty pockets, i have lived with keys to mansions.   my best times were when i was laughing with the ones i loved.  whether i had much or nothing. 
i just want to laugh again.
darkness has grabbed a hold of me .  and i just want to laugh again, 
to feel loved, know love. 
but i feel emotionally crippled.
and i don't know what to do. -
i love you --
i know that
do you?


  1. My Dearest Soul Sis, this is the most powerful and honest piece you have ever written. It is also very beautiful, though sad. You have known great love, and great loss in your life, more than any heart should have to bear. And yet you have survived. It isn't easy. Today you had to say goodbye to someone you cared a great deal about, it isn't easy. But you got there, and you got it done. That wouldn't have happened a few years back, you know.

    I've known you for quite awhile now, and I believe that you don't just keep repeating the same cycle, think of it more like a spiral. Life is like that for most of us. We move ahead and feel good and then we take a turn and end up back in the shadows for awhile, but only for awhile, the sun peeks around the corner and draws us out again... and each time we go a little further toward the light, smile a little more, understand a little more, grow a little stronger. In the last year I've watched you come further than I ever imagined, a new life, a smiling face, a big furry buddy. You haven't lost it all, not your friends, real or cyber (though I don't agree that we aren't real friends), not your family, not your Chew. All of us are still right here, standing strong, and waiting for you to come around the corner again. Be gentle with yourself, but don't give up, don't sink into that darkness. Keep doing the things you've enjoyed, even if it's hard to make yourself sometimes.. get to those Red Hat parties, go fishin', read a good book, and keep writing here. One morning soon you'll wake up and realize you are doing ok again, life doesn't feel so bad. I'm counting on it, I know it's true, now you believe! I love you bunches, and I know you love me! Keep spreading the word! We're all gonna be ok here! And when the time comes, and it's over, we'll then we're gonna be ok on the other side, and we'll be back to keep an eye on the ones left behind, just like they are doing for you now. OXOX, Jos

  2. PS - I can't like it much either, in fact that's an expression I've been known to use. Life is clearly not fair, no one ever promised us it would be. But I do like the amazing friends and family that God's given me, and I know we can do Life on Life's Terms together!

  3. PPS - Cuz I love to blog in your comment box, obviously! :-) I think you should do a Ten Things of Thankful post each week. It's amazing how it can help to turn your day around when you starting watching for blessings to write about. It sure helps me!

  4. PPPS - Because I know all these comments are making you laugh... you could also do the Liebster award post that I have going up tomorrow, cuz I sure do "Lieb" you a lot! :-) It would give you something to write about!

  5. hi joz -- thanks so much for always being here -- i believe God speaks through people -- and He sure is using you now.
    you make me smile - and sometimes even cry a little - but not in a bad way.
    thank you - for being my friend - my soul sis -
    hugs and OX's to ya

  6. I need to write you an email or just maybe a blog post. I sure can relate a ton. It also seems timely for me to. I'm also a little to tired to try to feel this box write now. I do believe Josie is right about how honest and real this post is for you. It is nice to see you so open.

  7. Hi Kristy. Good to see you here.
    I hope you're ok.

  8. Hi Soul Sis! I dropped back by to let you know how very much you brightened my day yesterday with your sweet comment here and the wonderful one you left on my blog post too. You make a difference in my world! We've been walking this blog road together for quite a few years now, and I treasure you more than you know. I wanna see a post go up here that tells me you got out and did something fun with the Chew. These beautiful warm days are so perfect, and so hard to be stuck working inside! Much love always, Jos OXOX

  9. Waiting for a new post... drumming fingers on desk :-)) OXOX

  10. Oh my goodness, what a raw and honest post. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your friend. How wonderful that you had the opportunity to tell him you loved him in person before he passed.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. Jos.. Sorry to keep you waiting... I want to write, i am just waiting to not be so negative in my mind. Gah!
    I'm still here

  12. Lena .. Yup i see you, it posted... Thanks. Yeh, rough times.
    But it's ok.
    It has to be. Right?
    Love you !!

  13. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend, Brenda. J.