i can't like it -

hiya folks -

yep -- grass grows, people die, life goes on ... and that is the circle of life.  the more ya have - the more ya lose.  the more ya love, the more ya hurt.

and i can't like it.

this past year, i did new things, i came out of my shell, i got a dog, i made real live local human friends, and i called that getting a life.  guess what?  it didn't take long before it all came crashing down.  surprised?  me? well, yeh.  actually- i was.  i really thought that my life had changed. actually changed for good 'this time.' and it did -- for a while.  i was genuinely happy - for many many months.  that may have been a record for me .. as far as the last several years go.  BUT,  i didn't know that it would once again, fall apart.  yet, it did. 
i have no idea what came first? the chicken, or the egg?  who knows?  my health?  my dogs health?  did i isolate first?  yep-- that word... isolate.  i do it way too often.  it is my nemesis.  and it is never a good thing.  is it winter that begins the cycle?  this long drawn out neverending winter was especially hard.  is it an anniversary of a death that begins it?  october's? decembers? march's? WTF is IT that causes me to crawl into that cold dark abyss within my soul, and remain there, immobile, for weeks, months, eternity?  if only someone could tell me.  if only God would or could send someone  - even that 'still small voice' within -- to tell me ... what it is that causes me to implode -- isolate - and destroy my world -- every single year --- well, then perhaps, i could find a way to NOT do it.  maybe i could find a way out.  maybe i could find a new path to travel, rather than the same damn path that unravels me time and time again.  maybe -- i could get out of the labyrinth -- and mortar a mile tall wall that would never allow entrance again.

my world is small... there are few human friends in it.  even fewer that i speak to - rather than - text, facebook, or somehow by other electronic means communicate with.  one of whom .. died the other day.  yup.  surprised?  yeh. i shouldn't be.  it happens way too often with me.   i don't meet people very often... well, because that is a miraculous feat ya know. especially when one rarely leaves their home.  but i had a friend... a man, who i have known for quite some time.  we had been casino buddies, and hung out a bit.  he was a very positive guy -- with what many would call a bleak future.  he had terminal cancer -- but he never talked about it.  you ask him how he was doing ' any better , i couldn't stand it'. was almost always his reply.  many people didn't even know he was sick.   well, he just spent two + weeks in the hospital... and his funeral is tomorrow.  he died in ICU -- in his short stay in the hospital, the man had over 70 visitors!  i am lucky to have been one of them.  i am lucky to have been his friend.

i am very grateful that i went to visit him while he was still able to smile, and enjoy company.  i am thankful that he remembers me being there.  i am happy to have known him.  he touched my life in a way that i hope he knew when he was here -- i hope he knew i loved him.   i guess he did - because when i saw him, i told him i did.  it is so very important to SAY those words to those we love. cuz ya just never know when you won't have another chance.


to think of this , the whole thing ya know... his life, and his illness, and his death... i can't help but to think of my own life --- i can only hope to love , and be loved , because when ya go -- that is all that goes with you.  love really is eternal.  not possessions, not pain, just love.  who you loved and who loved you. 

i have been 'close to death' several times.  in many ways.  never did i think... oh i wish i could take my car with me.  oh i wish i had money in my pocket.   the times i thought i was gonna die?  the thoughts i was thinking ????   i hoped and prayed that the people i loved would be ok.  that they would be safe and taken care of -- that they would not grieve too long, or hard.  i hoped that they would know in their souls just how deeply i love them.  and never doubt it. 

all ya need is love.

period.

live, love, laugh.         whoever said that was a genius.      

i have lived with empty pockets, i have lived with keys to mansions.   my best times were when i was laughing with the ones i loved.  whether i had much or nothing. 
i just want to laugh again.
darkness has grabbed a hold of me .  and i just want to laugh again, 
to feel loved, know love. 
but i feel emotionally crippled.
and i don't know what to do.

g.day -
i love you --
i know that
do you?