Confessions

hiya --

here I am... six days straight.  that may be nothin to you--but it is somethin to me.  i know i haven't written really anything substantial, but i have written- and sticking to a commitment like that is something that i have not done in a very long time.  the closest i have come to a 'daily' commitment has been cleaning my house -- and even then, i have to say -- i bet i didn't go to the 6th day without skipping at least one.  so yay for me.

anyhow -- let's see if i can get anything decent down in here today.   i am hoping that i will, because every day since i started (this time) i was interrupted , and rushed, and on my way to get ready to go somewhere.  which also .. is something kinda new for me.  because -- like i said-- i am in the recent couple of weeks working towards change.  because, i have allowed myself  --- not so much to get  depressed -- but to stagnate sort of.  to stop my life in its tracks. (until just recently) - not posting or talking on face book... not going out with my friends  -- not taking Chewie out to do things... i wasn't doing my chores - until i let the house get bad enough that it made me mad to look at it.   all i was doing was sitting on my ass all day long.. and coloring in adult coloring books, with the tv on. --- for weeks ! i binge watched Breaking Bad -- all the way through -- I binge watched House, - all the way through... i watched a show called IZombie (you may not have heard of that one-- it's actually good ) two seasons worth . ---  I literally spent probably ten hours or more a day coloring while watching tv.. every day -- for WEEKS.
Ridiculous.
  this started when i sensed the impending loss of my best friend since childhood ... and it didn't stop until sometime in this last 2 weeks or so.  
sometime in December -- until basically now.  my life stopped.  For Grief.  Nope.  it's not the first time.  i do not, have not-- and may never- handle grief well.  i just do not and cannot do it.    i will say though... this last little trip inside myself was prolly the shortest.  so-- that's growth.  and i have to say that I learned from it.  and not only did i learn things about myself on this journey --- i learned about just every person in my life.  ---- who they are -- what they mean to me -- how much they mean to me .  i learned also that it isn't only the finality of death for me to lose a precious friend.
 in my recent weeks of solace - i have been thinking of the many friends that i have pushed away in the times that i have crawled into my cave and stayed there too long.  not communicating.  being a hermit.  i understand now that a person can only take that kind of treatment for just so long.  most of you understand that i am just that way -- and that i DO come around and come out of my cave eventually -- and i never stop loving you during those times.  you know that even when i am in those 'dark times' that if ANY one of you ever need me for anything i would BE anywhere in this world for you in a heartbeat .   but -  maybe some of you don't know that.  and you just shouldn't be left to feel that way.    for those of you who i have made feel that way -- i deeply and purely apologize.

ok. so on that note - i better get UP.  i got thangs to do.

y'all have happy days in your worlds today --- I Will