Sunday, February 7, 2016


hiya --

here I am... six days straight.  that may be nothin to you--but it is somethin to me.  i know i haven't written really anything substantial, but i have written- and sticking to a commitment like that is something that i have not done in a very long time.  the closest i have come to a 'daily' commitment has been cleaning my house -- and even then, i have to say -- i bet i didn't go to the 6th day without skipping at least one.  so yay for me.

anyhow -- let's see if i can get anything decent down in here today.   i am hoping that i will, because every day since i started (this time) i was interrupted , and rushed, and on my way to get ready to go somewhere.  which also .. is something kinda new for me.  because -- like i said-- i am in the recent couple of weeks working towards change.  because, i have allowed myself  --- not so much to get  depressed -- but to stagnate sort of.  to stop my life in its tracks. (until just recently) - not posting or talking on face book... not going out with my friends  -- not taking Chewie out to do things... i wasn't doing my chores - until i let the house get bad enough that it made me mad to look at it.   all i was doing was sitting on my ass all day long.. and coloring in adult coloring books, with the tv on. --- for weeks ! i binge watched Breaking Bad -- all the way through -- I binge watched House, - all the way through... i watched a show called IZombie (you may not have heard of that one-- it's actually good ) two seasons worth . ---  I literally spent probably ten hours or more a day coloring while watching tv.. every day -- for WEEKS.
  this started when i sensed the impending loss of my best friend since childhood ... and it didn't stop until sometime in this last 2 weeks or so.  
sometime in December -- until basically now.  my life stopped.  For Grief.  Nope.  it's not the first time.  i do not, have not-- and may never- handle grief well.  i just do not and cannot do it.    i will say though... this last little trip inside myself was prolly the shortest.  so-- that's growth.  and i have to say that I learned from it.  and not only did i learn things about myself on this journey --- i learned about just every person in my life.  ---- who they are -- what they mean to me -- how much they mean to me .  i learned also that it isn't only the finality of death for me to lose a precious friend.
 in my recent weeks of solace - i have been thinking of the many friends that i have pushed away in the times that i have crawled into my cave and stayed there too long.  not communicating.  being a hermit.  i understand now that a person can only take that kind of treatment for just so long.  most of you understand that i am just that way -- and that i DO come around and come out of my cave eventually -- and i never stop loving you during those times.  you know that even when i am in those 'dark times' that if ANY one of you ever need me for anything i would BE anywhere in this world for you in a heartbeat .   but -  maybe some of you don't know that.  and you just shouldn't be left to feel that way.    for those of you who i have made feel that way -- i deeply and purely apologize.

ok. so on that note - i better get UP.  i got thangs to do.

y'all have happy days in your worlds today --- I Will


  1. I don't know how to comment... O da lay ...testing....

    1. it worked --- so, do you have nothing else to say -- Kee Kee? LOL

  2. I'm glad your writing again!!! Grief is a strange animal for each person. Grief like you know has no length of time or limit. It is just how we cope. You are coping and sometimes you only can try to do the best you can even if it isn't optimal . If I'm even trying , I give myself a break. All, you can do is try.